Emotional Roller Coaster

Everyday I tell myself I will be ok.  But my mind keeps racing.  Heart trying to keep up the pace.  I just get in my car when I'm losing it.  This is an emotional roller coaster.  First of all, what are emotions and how did they invade my body.  ME!  Yes, ME.  I'm saying once upon a time I was the most nonchalant, don't give a damn, eff the world girl.  Somewhere it hit me that I realized that I'm.  I'm. I'm human. And. A. Woman.  Damn Eve.

See I don't know what the triggers are.  Overwhelmed.  *shrugs shoulders*  I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  It's not even anyones fault.  Its mine because I allowed myself to become a dump site.  I started taking on so many emotions of others that I can't even breathe in my own skin without bumping into someone else's issues.

Here's my story.

Sept 11, 1998, I lost one of my nearest and dearest cousins, Tave.  And for the life of me I can't remember the last time I told him I loved him.

Sept 14, 2002 I love my mother, my confidant, my heart, my soul, my vessel.  I said I was fine but I was NOT.  I just wanted her well whether that meant here or the other side.  I told her I loved her but couldn't remember if I had told her how proud I was to have her as my mother.

Sept 2004 The fool that was supposed to love me made it a point NOT to show up for MY surgery.  Didn't give a damn if I died or not.  Then calls to say "When I told your mom I loved  you, I lied".  Good Riddance.

January  2005 Hey Daddy Leamon.  Hey Leantha when are you coming to see me.  Oh I'm coming tomorrow.  What's wrong with today.  Nothing Daddy.  I'm just tired. (LIE that was a LIE.  Some no good ass dude had my car and wouldn't bring it back. I had no ride.  That's what happened. I was ashamed because I let some fool take advantage of me.)  I'm coming first thing in the morning.  Wake up EARLY gotta go see Daddy Leamon. . . . message light blinking. . . .  Daddy Leamon didn't make it.  WHAT.  Never got to say good bye........And its all my fault.

May 2006 I'd rather not discuss it publicly.  But those close to me KNOW exactly what happened.

May 2007 Moved to Baton Rouge because I needed an advanced degree.  And needed to run far away from some demons.  RUN RUN fast.  Don't look back you'll be turned into a pillar of salt.

November 2007 Met this guy named Ventric.  Not sure.  Scared as hell.  I've been hurt too many times.  Open my heart. . . How dare I?  I'm here for school not love.  I can't do this.  I can't let myself get run over again.

December 2007 Received a text "Will you go with me?" I hesitate. Pray. Call Yolonda. Pray. Reply "Yes".  Ask God PLEASE don't let me misunderstand you.  God please show us how to love.  Lord please bandage my wounds that I may not make him pay for those others mistakes.

May 2010 I'm having the time of my life. New job Great people.  More friends than I ever imagined showed up just because it was MY birthday.  Time of my life. Phone rings. . . life changing conversation. My baby girl is having a baby.  Gotta call my sister,best friend, cousin, counselor.  3:14PM Hey Xant. .lots of chatter. . I love you.  I love you too. .feel better everything is going to be alright . . . hang up 5:25PM.   Swearing I'd be there to catch baby Averie when he comes out. . . . 11:43PM Dad calls and asks for Ventric.  My heart sinks.  Somethings wrong. Lord, please let my aunts uncles and grandmother be ok.  Dad. . . . it's Xanthia she's gone. Me. . . .No....

And that's my story.  So when I'm trying SO hard to smile and tears are all that come out.  So unfortunately today I'm on my emotional roller coaster and I gotta let it out.  I'm going to lose my damn mind if I don't let this out.  So I gotta ride this emotional roller coaster until the ride ends.  If I get off in the middle I won't make it.  My adult life has been filled with ups and downs.

After mom left. Xant was supposed to be here.  She was supposed to take me to find my wedding dress.  She was supposed to hold my hand on the way to the church to exchange vows.  She was supposed to remind me of how much my mom loved me.   She was supposed to be there when I had my first child.  She wasn't supposed to go.  So now I have no Tave.  No Mom. No Daddy Leamon. No Xant. . .

Just let me have my ups and downs.  Let me feel neglected.  Let me feel rejected.  Let me feel empty.  Let me feel happy.  Let me feel hurt.  Let me feel angry.

JUST. LET. ME. FEEL.  SOME. KIND. OF. WAY.