My Emotions
by D'Andra Bradford on Tuesday, August 2, 2011 at 8:54am
I know that generally I am a very happy person. I smile even though I'm broken inside. The several days have been heartbreaking for me to some extent. It all started when I thought of little things a daughter wants to share with her mother. Questions that only a mother could answer. I thought of how my mother always supported me when I was right and chastised me when I was wrong. I thought of the good I had done. I thought of the bad. I recalled our good times and our bad. It was rough. Part of me smiled while part of me cried. I cried a lot. I wasn't having a nervous breakdown by any means. I was FINALLY letting myself heal through mourning. I was finally allowing myself to hurt. No matter how I rejoice in HER healing. . . I am still her little girl. So I have to cry SOMETIMES.
Then there were things that have happened to me over the past 6 weeks that I can't even put in words. Some close to me know what they are/were. While I should have been thanking God for affording me the resources to buy a new car, I was afraid. Afraid because every car that I've ever owned was "given" to me. YES, I paid my notes, but Daddy always set it up for me. He made sure that I had a note that affordable. I also knew that if I fell flat on my face he was right there. This time was different. I know he won't let me suffer BUT I also know that he is now retired and SHOULD NOT be responsible or worried with my needs/wants. So I cried.
I breakdown and decide fine I have to buy a car. But on June 13, 2011, I experienced something that I'm still uncertain about. I cried.
I bought a new car on June 13, 2011, and on June 17, 2011, I hit a pole (yes in the new car). I cried.
Through those tears I still stood strong. I've been known for my high and mighty love for myself and strength like bamboo. But many days when people were watching this person, She cried.
I grow closer and closer to God everyday. And when I think of the days I didn't love God like I should. I cry.
For 32 years, I reserved my tears for anger because I was always told to "DRY IT UP". But I needed to cry. For the past 7-9 days I cried. I cried for everything that needed to come out. I asked for prayers. And. I cried. I knew that my soul was being attacked by Satans tricks. . . I needed intercession. (Thank you for those that prayed FOR me and not ON me). I cried.
I'm not insane. I'm not unstable. I'm human. Which brings me to my next phase of tears. I pride myself on doing unto others as I would have them do unto me (now I do anyway). I try to give my best and hope that I am appreciated and loved. Recently someone that I gave my trust to highly disspointed me. They hurt me. They truly allowed satan to use them as a pawn. (And for the record I am NOT talking about Ventric). This person reached out to me and showed me what appeared to be love (not romantic love, again this is not about Ventric). This person in turn decieved me and upheld targets against me. I cried. I cried because I never once reached out to this person. This person sought me out. This person displayed acceptance as a friend, a sister, a mother, a confidant, a father. . . a person that could be trusted. And just like that. . . they sold themselves to the highest bidder. I cried. I cried because we thanked God for the "friendship" God gave us. Only for me to find that it was only a facade on their end. Then I cried but not because they decieve me, but because they put my GOD in this. They told my God things that they just didn't show. I'm human. It hurt. I'm not too big to say someone hurt me.
But then on yesterday I asked some people to pray for me (and Ventric because I love him and want God's best for him too). I was at a low place. Again I AM HUMAN. And through those HONEST and EARNEST pleas I felt God moving. I looked up and saw God reaching out to me so I stretched my hand to Him. I cried. But those last tears were tears of revelation. I thank GOD because my brother reminded me of Pslam 37. (Thank Roderick). See while some were busy out for my bad God was out for my good. And while some don't know the difference in genuineness and deceit and obsession. MY GOD was watching out for me. He allowed my brother MY BIG BROTHER both in Heaven (Jesus) and in Earth (Roderick) to direct me to a passage that reminded me that GOD WILL HANDLE those that set out to persecute me. I'm crying.
But now I'm crying because I see Jesus. I see Him working on my behalf. I see him mending the broken pieces. I see Him fillig the void I feel without MY MOTHER. I see Him forgiving me for my stains. I see Him working on behalf of the person that hurt me to ensure they are forgiven also.
Now in the midst of THIS storm. GOD allowed me to "minister" to some people. I didn't mean to. I was only telling my story. I cried. THrough my tears I allowed God to speak through me. I received a message from this person saying they heard me and I restored their faith in God. Now folk that's what this is all about.
I will cry. I will laugh. I will smile. I will be maliciously violated. I wll be taken advantage of. But I WILL BE A SERVANT to GoD. And I WILL PRAY.
I love each of you for praying WITH and FOR ME. I thank EACH of you for understanding:
"Trouble in my way. . . I have to cry sometimes."
I'm not saying I've come through the storm. But I see the rainbow and the SON peeping through the clouds. And I know it's alright!!!
