My Emotions

My Emotions

by D'Andra Bradford on Tuesday, August 2, 2011 at 8:54am

I know that generally I am a very happy person.  I smile even though I'm broken inside.  The several days have been heartbreaking for me to some extent.  It all started when I thought of little things a daughter wants to share with her mother.  Questions that only a mother could answer.  I thought of how my mother always supported me when I was right and chastised me when I was wrong.  I thought of the good I had done. I thought of the bad.  I recalled our good times and our bad.  It was rough.  Part of me smiled while part of me cried.  I cried a lot.  I wasn't having a nervous breakdown by any means.  I was FINALLY letting myself heal through mourning.  I was finally allowing myself to hurt.  No matter how I rejoice in HER healing. . . I am still her little girl.  So I have to cry SOMETIMES.   

Then there were things that have happened to me over the past 6 weeks that I can't even put in words.  Some close to me know what they are/were.  While I should have been thanking God for affording me the resources to buy a new car, I was afraid.  Afraid because every car that I've ever owned was "given" to me.  YES, I paid my notes, but Daddy always set it up for me.  He made sure that I had a note that affordable.  I also knew that if I fell flat on my face he was right there.  This time was different.  I know he won't let me suffer BUT I also know that he is now retired and SHOULD NOT be responsible or worried with my needs/wants.  So I cried.  

I breakdown and decide fine I have to buy a car.  But on June 13, 2011, I experienced something that I'm still uncertain about. I cried.

I bought a new car on June 13, 2011, and on June 17, 2011, I hit a pole (yes in the new car).  I cried.

Through those tears I still stood strong.  I've been known for my high and mighty love for myself and strength like bamboo.  But many days when people were watching this person, She cried.  

I grow closer and closer to God everyday.  And when I think of the days I didn't love God like I should.  I cry.

For 32 years, I reserved my tears for anger because I was always told to "DRY IT UP".  But I needed to cry.  For the past 7-9 days I cried.  I cried for everything that needed to come out.  I asked for prayers.  And. I cried.  I knew that my soul was being attacked by Satans tricks. . . I needed intercession.  (Thank you for those that prayed FOR me and not ON me).  I cried.

I'm not insane. I'm not unstable.  I'm human.  Which brings me to my next phase of tears.  I pride myself on doing unto others as I would have them do unto me (now I do anyway).  I try to give my best and hope that I am appreciated and loved.  Recently someone that I gave my trust to highly disspointed me.  They hurt me.  They truly allowed satan to use them as a pawn. (And for the record I am NOT talking about Ventric).  This person reached out to me and showed me what appeared to be love (not romantic love, again this is not about Ventric).  This person in turn decieved me and upheld targets against me.  I cried.  I cried because I never once reached out to this person.  This person sought me out.  This person displayed acceptance as a friend, a sister, a mother, a confidant, a father. . . a person that could be trusted.  And just like that. . . they sold themselves to the highest bidder. I cried.  I cried because we thanked God for the "friendship" God gave us.  Only for me to find that it was only a facade on their end.  Then I cried but not because they decieve me, but because they put my GOD in this.  They told my God things that they just didn't show.  I'm human. It hurt.  I'm not too big to say someone hurt me.

But then on yesterday I asked some people to pray for me (and Ventric because I love him and want God's best for him too).  I was at a low place. Again I AM HUMAN.  And through those HONEST and EARNEST pleas I felt God moving.  I looked up and saw God reaching out to me so I stretched my hand to Him.  I cried.  But those last tears were tears of revelation.  I thank GOD because my brother reminded me of Pslam 37.  (Thank Roderick).  See while some were busy out for my bad God was out for my good.  And while some don't know the difference in genuineness and deceit and obsession. MY GOD was watching out for me.  He allowed my brother MY BIG BROTHER both in Heaven (Jesus) and in Earth (Roderick) to direct me to a passage that reminded me that GOD WILL HANDLE those that set out to persecute me.  I'm crying.

But now I'm crying because I see Jesus.  I see Him working on my behalf.  I see him mending the broken pieces. I see Him fillig the void I feel without MY MOTHER.  I see Him forgiving me for my stains.  I see Him working on behalf of the person that hurt me to ensure they are forgiven also.  

Now in the midst of THIS storm.  GOD allowed me to "minister" to some people.  I didn't mean to.  I was only telling my story.  I cried.  THrough my tears I allowed God to speak through me.  I received a message from this person saying they heard me and I restored their faith in God.  Now folk that's what this is all about.  

I will cry.  I will laugh. I will smile. I will be maliciously violated.  I wll be taken advantage of.  But I WILL BE A SERVANT to GoD.  And I WILL PRAY.

I love each of you for praying WITH and FOR ME.  I thank EACH of you for understanding:

"Trouble in my way. . . I have to cry sometimes."

I'm not saying I've come through the storm.  But I see the rainbow and the SON peeping through the clouds.  And I know it's alright!!!

What happened to humility?

Proverbs 22:4 Humility and the fear of the LORD bring wealth and honor and life. 


I'll begin this blog by providing a definition.  I generally assume (which is my mistake) that people know the meanings of words.  Humility is defined as:the quality or condition of being humble;  modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.  Humble not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.


Now that I have cleared that up, I shall continue.  Over the past several months I've heard so many people boast about being arrogant.  I've heard people place more value on the dollar than the heart. Well, my heart is troubled. I'm troubled to live in a world (society) whereby people have forgotten the very meaning of our existence.  God did not create us to be boastful and inconsiderate of our peers.  He did not intend for us to lose sight of humility.  


The verse above states that Humility and fear of the LORD bring wealth and honor and life.  My understanding is that HUMILITY and FEAR of the LORD bring me all these things people "brag" about. But if I'm to be humble, then I'm not to flaunt.  And if I fear the Lord there is no bragging to be done because GOD gave it all to me and at any moment can take it all back (and will).  


This blog is a rather personal (much like most of mine) and emotional. I'm emotional because while I have always had my needs at my disposal. And while I grew in what some say a "Utopian life" my parents ALWAYS taught me humility.  I can recall on so many occasions my dad would say "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."  They constantly reminded me that true value and virtue was in the heart not the wallet.  


I'm struggling now. I'm struggling because the world around me can only see dollar signs.  The world around me bases everything on how much money a person has.  (Or how much someone THINKS they have). I'm not here to keep up with the Jones'. I'm not here to be covetous (that's another blog).  I am truly grateful for all of the things God has prospered me.  I'm humbled by God's kind spirit.  I realize that I am very blessed and fortunate to be where I am career wise and financially.  But I don't use that to measure who I am. And I certainly don't use a persons financial worth to measure their personal worth to me.  I'm not turned on by pretentious attitudes. And I'm most certainly not turned on by flashing money in my face.  In my HUMBLE opinion that would classify me as a prostitute!


I plead with my friends, family, colleagues,etc to please revisit humility.  Humility in GOD is not a bad thing.  We must not conform to this world.  It is this very world that has taught us that being humble is a weakness.  God has been too good to us for us to take his credit and boast as if we did this all alone.  We must stop putting so much on worldly things.  I look around and we have accepted so much worldly behavior as the new social norm. I can't conform. I won't conform.


My great-grandmother lived to be 108 years old.  My grandmother is currently 80 and is in better shape than any of us reading (writing) this. My grandfather lived to be 90+. My father is in tip top shape (better than me MUCH better than me).  My mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was only 15 years old.  Allegedly she would spend less than a year with me. God gave us EIGHT years.  All of these people taught me to be humble, meek, appreciative, thankful, and respectful.  I'm looking for the prosperous life God honored (is honoring) them with.


I will go to my grave being those things. I will go to my grave respecting my God, myself, my family, my friends, my foes, etc.  I will go to my grave giving praise to God. I will go to my grave recognizing the value of God. I will go to my grave being a lover. I will go to my grave believing in God's promises.


I will go to MY heavenly home. . . HUMBLE!

Is Retirement Age High Enough?

Currently, in the United States private sector workers must work until the age of 67 in order to obtain their full retirement benefits.  The government has generally tied retirement age to life expectancy.  

Former member of the Council of Economic Advisers, Alicia H. Munnell, states that "raising the retirement age is one way to cut benefits under national social insurance programs-one that merits consideration when people are living longer healthier lives."  This is actually great news, right?  Longer healthier lives. Who wouldn't/doesn't want this?  I mean after all if we have to be here may as well be healthy!  WRONG!  Living longer healthier lives does not equate ones desire to work until they are UNHEALTHY.  Many years are spent working tirelessly to make ends meet.  Years are spent trying to begin building a nest egg.  And for some they have no desire to ever retire.  Some of us  will be sitting at our desks coffee mug in hand when God calls our names.  Is this truly living longer healthier lives?

Sure, seniors are living longer than people did years before.  Unfortunately, the higher the retirement age is the higher the "new hire" age becomes.  As long as our parents are forced to work until dementia sets in.  Until carpal tunnel deprives them of the strength to accomplish their tasks. Newer generations will be forced to settle.  Turning into career students running up the financial aid debt.  The circle of life works on an input/output cycle.  New jobs can't be created and old jobs can't be filled as long as the seniors are still collecting dust in front of their desk.

Now none of this is said to be vindictive.  Nor, do I have anything against seniors.  My father is a senior and I am ever so proud of him.  Even more proud to have the opportunity to walk in his legacy.  However, a few years ago my Dad took the stance to retire.  To move around so that newer generations may be gainfully employed.  I'm not saying that because he chose this option that this is the only viable option.  Those are not my thoughts at all.

However, as I look around workplaces I see people that are "dying to retire".  And as I watch the graduates walk across the stage at commencement ceremonies I see faces weighted with mixed emotions.  Tears of joy because they have crossed what used to be the threshold to independence.  Tears of sorrow because the job market is on lock-down by increased retirement ages.

I'm saddened as I watch my friends and loved ones struggle to be gainfully employed.  All the while the US continues to raise the retirement age.  So while people are living far into their 80s.  People are far into their 30s-40s before they are able to begin their careers, buy homes, have children, start a nest egg.

Years ago a comedian suggested looking through the obituaries for jobs.  Sadly, it is no longer comedy. Due to higher retirement ages adolescence  has practically intersected with middle age.  One fact that seems to be forgotten is that years ago retirement age was younger, but so was "working age".  Years ago people started their careers in the late teens and early 20s.

So go ahead, raise the retirement age.  The new generations can wait. . .

So I ask you. . . is retirement age high enough yet?

Emotional Roller Coaster

Everyday I tell myself I will be ok.  But my mind keeps racing.  Heart trying to keep up the pace.  I just get in my car when I'm losing it.  This is an emotional roller coaster.  First of all, what are emotions and how did they invade my body.  ME!  Yes, ME.  I'm saying once upon a time I was the most nonchalant, don't give a damn, eff the world girl.  Somewhere it hit me that I realized that I'm.  I'm. I'm human. And. A. Woman.  Damn Eve.

See I don't know what the triggers are.  Overwhelmed.  *shrugs shoulders*  I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  It's not even anyones fault.  Its mine because I allowed myself to become a dump site.  I started taking on so many emotions of others that I can't even breathe in my own skin without bumping into someone else's issues.

Here's my story.

Sept 11, 1998, I lost one of my nearest and dearest cousins, Tave.  And for the life of me I can't remember the last time I told him I loved him.

Sept 14, 2002 I love my mother, my confidant, my heart, my soul, my vessel.  I said I was fine but I was NOT.  I just wanted her well whether that meant here or the other side.  I told her I loved her but couldn't remember if I had told her how proud I was to have her as my mother.

Sept 2004 The fool that was supposed to love me made it a point NOT to show up for MY surgery.  Didn't give a damn if I died or not.  Then calls to say "When I told your mom I loved  you, I lied".  Good Riddance.

January  2005 Hey Daddy Leamon.  Hey Leantha when are you coming to see me.  Oh I'm coming tomorrow.  What's wrong with today.  Nothing Daddy.  I'm just tired. (LIE that was a LIE.  Some no good ass dude had my car and wouldn't bring it back. I had no ride.  That's what happened. I was ashamed because I let some fool take advantage of me.)  I'm coming first thing in the morning.  Wake up EARLY gotta go see Daddy Leamon. . . . message light blinking. . . .  Daddy Leamon didn't make it.  WHAT.  Never got to say good bye........And its all my fault.

May 2006 I'd rather not discuss it publicly.  But those close to me KNOW exactly what happened.

May 2007 Moved to Baton Rouge because I needed an advanced degree.  And needed to run far away from some demons.  RUN RUN fast.  Don't look back you'll be turned into a pillar of salt.

November 2007 Met this guy named Ventric.  Not sure.  Scared as hell.  I've been hurt too many times.  Open my heart. . . How dare I?  I'm here for school not love.  I can't do this.  I can't let myself get run over again.

December 2007 Received a text "Will you go with me?" I hesitate. Pray. Call Yolonda. Pray. Reply "Yes".  Ask God PLEASE don't let me misunderstand you.  God please show us how to love.  Lord please bandage my wounds that I may not make him pay for those others mistakes.

May 2010 I'm having the time of my life. New job Great people.  More friends than I ever imagined showed up just because it was MY birthday.  Time of my life. Phone rings. . . life changing conversation. My baby girl is having a baby.  Gotta call my sister,best friend, cousin, counselor.  3:14PM Hey Xant. .lots of chatter. . I love you.  I love you too. .feel better everything is going to be alright . . . hang up 5:25PM.   Swearing I'd be there to catch baby Averie when he comes out. . . . 11:43PM Dad calls and asks for Ventric.  My heart sinks.  Somethings wrong. Lord, please let my aunts uncles and grandmother be ok.  Dad. . . . it's Xanthia she's gone. Me. . . .No....

And that's my story.  So when I'm trying SO hard to smile and tears are all that come out.  So unfortunately today I'm on my emotional roller coaster and I gotta let it out.  I'm going to lose my damn mind if I don't let this out.  So I gotta ride this emotional roller coaster until the ride ends.  If I get off in the middle I won't make it.  My adult life has been filled with ups and downs.

After mom left. Xant was supposed to be here.  She was supposed to take me to find my wedding dress.  She was supposed to hold my hand on the way to the church to exchange vows.  She was supposed to remind me of how much my mom loved me.   She was supposed to be there when I had my first child.  She wasn't supposed to go.  So now I have no Tave.  No Mom. No Daddy Leamon. No Xant. . .

Just let me have my ups and downs.  Let me feel neglected.  Let me feel rejected.  Let me feel empty.  Let me feel happy.  Let me feel hurt.  Let me feel angry.

JUST. LET. ME. FEEL.  SOME. KIND. OF. WAY.